Suicide

A quick note before you begin reading. I apologise if my grammar is incorrect or if my thoughts are all over the place. I don't read back what I have written when I write things such as this. I hope you can understand my reasoning for this. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts.

Sometimes feeling suicidal is the better option in my mind. It gives me a belief I can release myself from this pain that i’m experiencing emotionally. But when I am in a head space where I want to live and get through it but I fall back into that dark space, it’s almost like I am trapped knowing I have no choice but to face the fear head on. That’s a really scary place to be in to me, more scary than when I feel suicidal. Reason why? Because the idea of suicide gives me some type of hope that I will be free of the pain. But if when im already in this deep dark space I have to somehow muster up the courage to then get myself through it? That’s the harder option. & it’s not easy to take the harder option clearly. It is at this stage where you really learn how to cope. You won’t realise it until after, but somehow you will get through it without even knowing

It’s easier said than done, though. How do I ride out this moment? I know how ive acted before is the wrong way to behave, so now i am facing new situations and learning new ways to handle them. It’s not easy by any means. I don’t know how any of this stuff works. They say to focus on the positive and i’m trying to do this for example. There are amazing things happening in my life, that I cant deny. But for some reason I can’t shake that deep rooted pain that I feel. I also cant help but think this will only become worse as certain situations develop further, and the sheet thought of this is just so hard to come to terms with. Life ( in the emotional sense ) has been so cruel to me so far and im still a baby really. I honestly don’t know if this will ever end. It’s like a form of emotional torture & without the potential of ending my life, I have no choice at all but to endure the pain. A cruel reality. 

If anyone was wondering why suicide doesn’t seem a plausible option in my head at this current moment, it is because since my last suicide attempt there are people I do not want to let down. I owe that to them. I also don’t want to let myself down - my authentic self. This depressed version of me is not my authentic self at all. So id be denying Tia a chance of the wonderful opportunities that may lie ahead if I allow this demon to entirely consume me. My brothers and sisters. They’re young and innocent. I dont want them to ever have to hear the explanation that their big sister ended her life. I dont want them to have to grow up with that chip on their shoulder when their lives have barely even begun themselves. This keeps me pushing on, as much as I personally don’t want to. Overall I don’t enjoy the experience of life. There are times when I am so very happy. That true laughter that makes your stomach hurt. That feeling of pure love from people around you. But despite these moments, the negativity seems to occur more frequently than these moments. So for that reason, it’s almost as if the bad outweighs the good so what the heck is the point?

A lot of people don’t understand. To them, they see the negative experience that triggers these thinking patterns and fail to see beyond that. For example, a break up. Break ups are not pleasant. Some might say “everyone goes through it, youll be fine”. But the difference is, this negative experience which may be small to some triggers a chain of thought in the minds of those like me that reinforces deep, DEEP pain within. People who cannot see past the surface layer often make me feel worse. They minimise the feelings you are experiencing. This is one of the most difficult things I have found about this illness, people minimise things. “Your relationship ended and now you want to die?” We’re drama queens to these people. I think this is a huge problem. I have called suicide hotlines before and had them minimise my issues like this. Family have done it. It may be unintentional but imagine if I hadn’t pulled myself out of that moment all alone, I would have taken my life all because problems that were important to me were presented to me as unimportant by those I need help from the most. 

This is unedited, raw emotion I am typing. I am experiencing this in my mind right this second. I don’t even have to think about what to say next, it’s literally just spilling out of my mind. I said to myself I should write, not only for me but for record. It might help another. Some people may not relate to all I have said but maybe elements. It’s also important for me to say that another thing that keeps me going is that I know I can truly help someone. 

- Tia